After the trip, I went back to my usual self, shy and withdrawn. When I recieved my report card the following week, my teacher wrote she was amazed at my turnaround. I was talkative, outgoing and so excited. We spent the whole day there and I was so different from my usual self. I still remember that day in fourth grade when my sister and my class went on a trip to the zoo at the end of the year.
I've often dreamed of waking up one day, feeling relieved of everything, being totally free and spontaneous. I know it's stupid but maybe if they hadn't been so strict, I wouldn't be this way. I often get angry at my parents because of how I turned out. I don't want that kind of life, but I think it's going turn out like that.
I can practically see how my life will be in three years, married, have one or two kids and living with my parents until we can afford to live on our own. I just want someone who understands what I'm going through and who I can connect with. I spend most of the time in my bedroom hiding from them.
For example, when my relatives are over, I get so nervous in greeting them that most of the times, I don't even greet them. My lack of social skills hinders my ability to make any friends. It's a small part of me they can't change no matter how much they whine and insist. I feel like I've already given up so much of myself to them that I don't know who the real me is anymore. I don't want to get a hair cut because it's ME. They don't want to be embarassed because of me. Right now, I have longish hair, at least that's what my dad says, he and my mom are constantly telling me to get a hair cut because it makes me look lazy.
They always tell me what to do, how to run my life, what I should wear etc. Sometimes I feel that if I don't try to break free of it, I'll never be my own person.
My parents, whether they realize it or not, have this very strong stranglehold on me. Every night I pray to whoever's watching over me to give me a signal on how to live my life. I'm 22 and am so lonely, lost and I want friends so much.